i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
