I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
high people should be assigned attendants
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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