I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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