you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
