my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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