AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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