I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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