this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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