DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
