sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
