Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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