I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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