***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize