Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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