oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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