Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I party with great urgency now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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