John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
