i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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