Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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