I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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