thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
