Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
