haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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