I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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