seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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