and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
