He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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