I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I want a musical about memes.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize