So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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