Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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