Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
