Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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