Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
