At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
