remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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