How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
