News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
