I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
