thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
do nipples grow back?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
