i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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