Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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