Having a random hookup so left but love u
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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