My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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