I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
