dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
