He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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