eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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