he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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