I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
