i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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