He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
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Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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