my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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