his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
