Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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