I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He did a backflip because drugs
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
