I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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