Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
