I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
