you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
