I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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