I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
