I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
